Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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