You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
