New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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