I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
