What did we do last night that was yellow?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
