i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
