If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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