YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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