Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
