just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
