She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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