If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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