that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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