I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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