I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
