The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
