Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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