You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
They have beer where we have blood.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
