I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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