Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
