i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
