You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
