I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
