I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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