a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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