My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
