What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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