Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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