me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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