somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
