I got chris browned last night
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
