Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize