my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
