I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
