my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
