things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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