saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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