I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
