Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Found the puke drawer
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
