You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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