the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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