I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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