they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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