Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
