remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
smell my finger.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm both gender and math confused
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
