When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
