the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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