I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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