there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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