The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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