Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
