Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
