Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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