anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize