He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
