a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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