Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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