are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
